Bottom-10 List - Automotive Journalism Clichés

Don't tell me you're guilty of this automotive journalism faux pas.

Yeah, I might be a few months late, but I wanted to ring in the New Year; after all, it’s only 2010 once – twice if you’re lucky.  To mark the occasion I’ve cobbled together a few “10 lists” to commemorate the decade.  As you’d expect, I’m putting a uniquely RoundAbout spin on things.  Rather than boring you into a persistent vegetative state by highlighting the “Top 10” of something you don’t like and I don’t care about, I’m going straight for the throat like a cheetah pouncing on a baby springbok.  With this new series I’m lashing out against indecency, idiocy and incompetence wherever it lurks in the automotive world.  With that mission statement etched in stone, I’m proud to introduce the RoundAbout Bottom-10 List,  a unique look at the lowest-common automotive denominators, stuff no one else wastes time thinking about.  I’m proud to kick things off with my Bottom-10 list of Automotive Journalism Clichés. 

Whether it’s a side effect of attending too many lavish press junkets or just plain laziness, the products of our industry are frequently riddled with thoughtless clichés and hackneyed vocabulary.  I’d hazard to guess that even if your only experience with car reviews is thumbing through a magazine while sitting in a Planned Parenthood waiting room, you’ve probably read the following words and phrases more times than the police read your alcoholic roommate his Miranda rights during college. 

Fortunately it doesn’t have to be this way.  I’m here to spread the word about these words, and together we can exorcise them from automotive journalism before it’s too late.

1) Calling the Nissan GT-R “Godzilla”

Rock 'N Roar Dinosaur.

Yes, the GT-R is a monster, and yes, I get the movie reference, but please stop calling it “Godzilla.”  Doing so makes it sound like a tawdry piece of low-buck crap, which it simply can’t be carrying a base price of $82,000, even if it looks like one.

2) Aforementioned

I bet you can't name this engine.

*Insert the most grating, whiny voice imaginable*  “…and the top engine offering is a revised 3.0-liter Powertronic V-6 with 137 horsepower, a 20 percent increase over the aforementioned base engine thanks to a better-flowing exhaust system and a new profile on  turboknuckle thrust bearing …”  Seriously, don’t use this word.  It makes you sound like a petty, overeducated know-it-all dressed in chest-high khaki pants and frayed suspenders complaining to your debate-team buddies that the Casio outlet store no longer carries batteries for your calculator watch.

3) Twin Cam

Count 'em up. How many camshafts do you see?

I actually like this two-part descriptor, as long as it’s used properly.  But there’s the rub, the vast majority of the time it isn’t.  On countless occasions I’ve seen my fellow auto scribes employ this phrase to describe an engine.  Fine; it works perfectly with inline powerplants that sport dual over-head cams, or even V-type engines of the SOHC persuasion.  But a problem arises when it’s used to describe a DOHC V-engine.  Sure, this type of powerplant has two cams – PER CYLINDER HEAD – but writers seem to forget that there are TWO banks of cylinders.  Now, I haven’t double-checked, but I’m pretty sure 2 x 2 ≠ 2, it equals four.  Describing a DOHC V-engine as a “twin cam” is misleading.  Whether perpetrators of this grammar gaffe are truly guilty is debatable, but they’re wrong in my book and that’s all that matters, at least in this blog post.  Remember, journalism degree ≠ math skills, and I’m the poster child for that. 

4) Aplomb

The only dinosaur that's not extinct.

Here’s a word that makes my skin crawl.  I’ve endured it in countless of car reviews, but I’ve never run across it in any non-automotive article.  What does that tell you?  Either I read at a fourth-grade level and can’t venture beyond Highlights magazine, the automotive press corps is infected with a mysterious disease leading to an epidemic in the use of this noun, or my fellow authors are sharing material like the Pirate Bay shares files.  I’d bet on the latter of the trio, but the first one seems probable too.  Here’s some advice, pick up a thesaurus.  No, it’s not a dinosaur from the late Triassic Period; funny you ask.  It’s actually a book of synonyms.   Please, if in doubt, consult Roget (that’s pronounced Row-Jay).  On second thought I’ll make things easy for you.  Use assurance, self-confidence, composure or ease instead of the dreaded “A” word.

 5) Coin-Slot/Mail-slot trunk opening

It's money in the bank, except not.

I get it; you’re having a hard time squeezing the entirety of your Star Wars comic book collection into the trunk of the Chevy Camaro you’re testing this week.  Fine, but when you write your review of the car please don’t refer to the restrictive opening as a “mail slot.”  Yes, this particular metaphor accurately describes the shape of the passage, but plenty of other things are narrow, like the Strait of Hormuz, or Amy Winehouse’s chances of passing a drug test. 

6) Skinny Pedal, Loud Pedal

Look mom, 50 percent more pedals than I have feet!

If I had a nickel for every time I read one of these dreadful synonyms for an accelerator pedal I wouldn’t be writing this shitty blog post and living in my parents’ basement – you fill in the blanks. 

7) Nary

Pink sky at night, sailor's delight.

How many letters does it take to spell “annoying?”  Easy, four.  This overused adjective brings to mind a certain name-brand depilatory cream.  Ask your lady friends about it; I bet they use it frequently to liberate their bikini lines from the oppression of ingrown hairs.  Sorry if that’s gross, but you should be thankful for smooth sailing the next time you’re lucky enough to storm one of their beaches.

8) Mouse-fur headliner

What'd I tell you, they look nothing alike.

Jesus Christ, find another way to describe a cheap-looking headliner!  Without a doubt this is one of the most over-used clichés in all of automotive journalism.  Are you guilty of perpetuating it?  Call me crazy (and if you’ve listened to the podcast you’ll know that I am), but I fail to see how a low-rent ceiling treatment resembles a rodent’s pelt.  Sure, a chintzy headliner may look like a T.J. Maxx sweater after a dozen trips through the wash, it may remind you of dryer lint tumbleweeds collecting on the floor of a Laundromat, but it looks nothing like mouse fur. 

9) Tokyo by night

Bombs away!

This one is very clever, referring of course to dashboards that have an overabundance of light-up switches, buttons and readouts that mimic the neon glow of Tokyo’s Ginza strip, or a U.S. bombing raid on the city in February, 1945.  Normally I salute this kind of crafty, out-of-the-box thinking, but this clever phrase loses a little oomph when you hear it 700 times, which is enough to send this overused one-liner skidding into the number-nine spot on my count up list.

10) Mill

I am from Holland, isn't that weird?

And here we are, the worst of the worst.  No automotive cliché agitates me more than this one.  If you’re going to write an article about cars please, I beg you, avoid this repulsive faux pas like Wanda Sykes avoids penis.  Referring to an engine as a mill sounds ridiculous.  It’s like a new immigrant trying to order a bottle of iced tea by shouting “placenta” at a lunch counter attendant.  Not good.  For the record, an engine isn’t a mill.  Mills make steel, grind wheat into flour and remind us of Holland, but they do not power motor vehicles. 

Dishonorable Mention

Witness Protection Program

Isn’t this a clever way to describe a boring-looking car?  Did you think of it all on your own?  Hardly. 

Requisite

This one’s very similar to the “dreaded ‘A’ word” above.

Slushbox

Ugh.

And there you have it, my Bottom-10 List of Automotive Journalism Clichés.  The good news is you deserve a gold medal for perseverance.  The bad news is you’re not getting one, but if it’s any consolation you’re welcome to treat yourself to a t-shirt from the RoundAbout emporium.  Just follow the link in the sidebar of your screen to funnel us cash, I mean, buy RoAb-branded gear. 

With that, remember to stay calm and pay careful attention to avoid using any of the words and phrases listed above.  Together we can halt the spread of tactless clichés that are destroying automotive journalism.

- Craig A. Cole



Comments

[Rich]

And it's not really a comment, but me applauding with his own words, Craig's writing.

To the list: "sitting in a Planned Parenthood waiting room" - "they’re wrong in my book and that’s all that matters" - "narrow, like the Strait of Hormuz, or Amy Winehouse’s chances of passing a drug test" - "storm one of their beaches" - "T.J. Maxx" - and ending on the ballsy (reckless abandon?) "like Wanda Sykes avoids penis" / "a new immigrant trying to order a bottle of iced tea by shouting “placenta” at a lunch counter attendant"

A nice job all the way through. Like marinating and cooking a good cut of steak to perfection. With a helpful additive known as Cole. To make sure your throat closes in your sleep and you stay "resting."

[Jeff]

maybe as a subcategory of no. 1, i hate the sayings "four-pot" or "bent six." what is wrong with just saying engine???

[Mirko]

Godzilla's twin-cam mill howls when you press the loud pedal, making you forget about the mouse-fur headliner and the Tokyo-by-night dash. Nary among us petrolheads will blame Nissan for the mail-slot trunk opening, the aforementioned bent-six mill more than makes up for it with aplomb.

[Craig A. Cole]

That's too funny, Mirko!